...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
