Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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