So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
