Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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