I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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