Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
