I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
