Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
