FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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