The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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