I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
