I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
