I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
