she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You dont lie about slip and slides
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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