I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Just pee around me
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
