She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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