dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
