i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize