And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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