OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
