I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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