Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
