just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
