How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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