If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
