I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
