i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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