sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
