We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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