I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
