I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
