my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize