if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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