It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
