Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
