If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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