we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
