There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize