I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
