while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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