My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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