I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i will never coherently bang her
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
