I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize