i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize