I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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