There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
