I think i peed on brittanys purse
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
