glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
