Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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