you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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