There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
