you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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