end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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