Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
