Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
