She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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